Fallout 3

Somebody remind me next time im near a hospital to pop into the maternity ward so i can finally witness the miracle of birth! because as far as fallout 3’s ‘Lesson on Human Creation’ goes, babies simply pop out of the vagina before being forced to choose its OWN name, destiny and hair colour. I can’t even style my own hair in the morning let alone a fucking infant. The game starts, BANG! You need to choose a name, a gender, your hair colour, eye colour, facial shape, your destiny, the date of you death and the amount of times you plan of having sex from now until then! What child do you know that can do all that?! All this seems a bit redundant though you can just change all this later!

During the first part of the game you play inside a vault, called ‘Vault 101’  populated by all of 7 people and a bar tending robot. you play through key moments of your childhood with your father, James, the vault doctor. You also use this time to choose you traits which you choose from a children’s book lying on the floor which i found to be a nice little touch. It does do a lot to immerse the player into the story somewhat, until the A.I. talk and i swear ive never seen lip syncing done this bad since Ashley Simpson on Saturday Night Live! All the characters do this trippy solid stare, where they never break eye contact or even blink as long as you talk to them which actually becomes quite unnerving.

Fallout 3 is an FPS but its not the standard FPS like Call of Duty that have you staring blankly at a chest high wall for half the game frantically wanking the end of your gun. From the vault you immerse blinking into what seems like an endless field of destruction and sorrow which i must admit, actually made me feel for the character! i got a feeling of what that may feel like, which is great for drawing you in, that is, until a little option window pops up and asks you is you want to alter your appearance, or name or whatever, as if a parent can just trade in their kid at age 20 for a newer model. Im sure my mum would have traded me off 4 years ago! Guns are rediculously easy to attain. I usually just wonder the hills and wait until a weapons salesman to waltz by before pickpocketing his ass and using his own knife to cut off his testicular area! Fantastic! see a moral person would actually purchase the knife legitimately with bottle caps, the games currency. But pickpocketing did so much to liven up the game for me. I would steal from anyone and anything regardless if they were watching or not! because you just know that they are bound to be carrying some sort of gun that you can use against them anyway. although you do lose karma by stealing, which i never got the fucking point of it anyway!! you gain morale for helping someone, or choosing the carrot instead of the twix, but lose it for say….killing a bystander whom you just stole from! but it never really does anything! and even if it did i never noticed! The A.I. is as thick as pig shit and never notice that ive stolen from them anyway! During some side missions they would get down and kiss my feet for doing a small job for them, only so i could gain access to their home and rampage through their underwear!

Every game has at least 1 unique feature, even if unique is defined by the amount of shit is crammed into the plot line. Fallouts feature is the VATS aiming system, which allows you to pretty much pause time while you carefully take aim upon the pimples on your enemies nose. Its quite fun to use, and it is pretty fun and different, but that’s all it is! it feels as if Bethesda just threw it in for the sake of they had to have SOMTHING that would make it different to other FPS’s. But fallout 3 to me is already different to other FPS’s! Although at least other FPS’s have better fucking world maps!

Ive never been so bored from a games world map! you see one fucking useless mutant riddled subway youve seen them all!! and every town is the fucking same, only 30042384729 miles away from each other! there is a quick travel system, but you must have visited that place first to fast travel there, so all it is, is time filler, making you walk aimlessly around the open world looking for the next thing to go BLIP on your map!

It did give me a few hours of gameplay though, having some key points that did a lot to draw me into the story. one section has you playing in a virtual world, trying to find your dad in this virtual community, controlled by this little evil girl, which i wanted to punch her fucking lights out!! you do end up finding your dad and i wont tell you where he is, but they actually concealed his identity quite cleverly during this section so check it out!

It’s deffinitly not a 10 out of 10 game, but ill give it 3 stars, probably 3 and a half for doing a good job to immerse me into the story. But I don’t blame you if the world map makes you want to just murder everyone you see….or at least pickpocket them!


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