Bulletstorm

I’m yet to find a FPS that lets me at least FEEL like im having a bit of adventure! A trip to the fridge is  at least some form of adventure, even if it is just a quest to consume the left over Mongolian beef from 2 weeks ago. At least you walk away from the fridge with SOMETHING regardless if it is a satisfying feed or irritable bowl syndrome! Walking into a massive open field full of run down houses, massive jungles and mountains only to be shoved behind a chest high wall the entire time is not my idea of cock pulsing action adventure! It’s like going to a 5 star hotel, being offered the presidential penthouse, but it’s so overrun with rats and cockroaches so you spend the whole trip hiding in the closet with a fly swatter! It’s an insult to whoever designs the world map! Current day FPS’s are as linear as the pole up my maths teachers ass! And you only ever get to admire the wonderful scenery for a brief second before your own team mortars your ass through the ground, THANK YOU BAD COMPANY 2, who shall remain nameless…

HURRAY for Epic games, and to some extent, People can Fly, whose previous title, (the only one I actually know of anyway) Painkiller, said FUCK YOU cover based bullshit and HELLOOooooo to running into an open room jam-packed with a mutant monster buffet. Bulletstorm in my opinion is a little bit of both. to me it was just like a standard FPS but actually loosened the dog chain and let you do shit without being interrupted every quarter of a second to sit and watch some plot line puppy piddle.  Theres no briefings before each mission and minimal cut scenes which you can skip anyway, unlike Black ops, whose ridiculously boring interactive un-skippable cut scene that had you sitting on your ass while listening to some toss pot talk about god knows what while you trucked your way to the next playable mission.

Bulletstorm  manages FPS and Action/adventure quite nicely. There’s none of that typical war-torn house duck and cover while a mortar blows through your cover crap, or any of those 4 hour-long mission briefings, or listening you your war partner go on and on calmly talking about his entire life story while directly in the line of fire….uh…horse raddish. NO! It’s just FUN without the filler! It’s nice to see a game that is still in touch with its adventurous roots! It’s still a typical linear scene to scene go here shoot this, but it doesnt feel linear, it actually feels like a massive adventure game for kids, with the occasional swear dropped in to raise it from PG to MA15+. I guess what im trying to say its a bit on the easy side….but FUCK IT its fun!  YES it does have cover based combat, maybe a lot of it but it still isn’t a typical cockroach riddled mansion at the top of Beverly hills. Its more of a jungle cabin where occasionally a homosexual couple hump on your door step, without trying to drop any hints about the characters personal lifestyle HINT HINT COUGH COUGH!

You play as Gray a hard buff arrogant alpha male, to defend some run down city which has no explanation to the plot what so ever, from a group of mutant freaks called, ‘The Freaks’ using your leash type device called ‘The Leash’ (who the fuck names these things i have no idea) with homosexual tendencies toward his half man half robot companion, Ishi. No joke the whole game hints are dropped and it got to a point where I literally stood up,and screamed JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH at my computer screen, after Gray drops the ‘2 men alone in an elevator’ line right after deploying the word ‘Dick’ for about the 23 gazilionth time that hour. Its like the writers had a dick quota they had to meet, because if the character isnt gay, the writers are! At some points i have no idea whether the characters are joking or not! Like the elevator for example, was like the characters seriously considered porking each other right then and there! and there’s also your little female companion that trots along half way through the game in a tight tank top with the all aspiration to be a man in the free world, which I don’t know if she’s meant to be a comic relief character or just there to stretch out gameplay for another hour.

Ill say one thing, it is refreshing to have a FPS that allows you to use other surroundings then an explosive barrel to kill your enemies. The game congratulates you for SkillShots, which are ways of killing your enemies to spill as much blood as possible in the most horrible and hilarious ways possible, by kicking them into spiky walls, flames, open fan blades and off cliffs! And the leash which I mentioned earlier makes it all the better. you can use it to grapple onto enemies and pull them towards you before kicking them away into a spiky chandelier. You work through skillshots based in the skillshot database, which apparently was used to grade ex soldiers on their performance on the battle field. But you also get points for breaking news bots, smashing windows and bizarrely enough, getting drunk, which can then be exchanged for weapons and upgrades using dropkits that you find every nano seconds.

What I definitely was NOT expecting in Bulletstorm was a sence of humour! your character is the typical smart ass wise cracking drunk, but was actually funny and well-fitting. for example there was one part where your transvestite wanna be female friend said she would give you 15 seconds to figure a way out of a particular area, to which the game actually gives you a 15 second timer, and changes the script accordingly to whether or not you figure it out or not. this was the absolute icing on the cake for me! I went in expecting characters as warm as a cold glass of prune juice, but you can actually build up some sort of relationship with your character.

The A.I. is as thick as pig shit though, because I guess they were determined to keep at least 1 thing the same as typical FPS’s. there were some parts where I would be close enough to an enemy to rub his balls with he tip of my shot-gun, but still wouldn’t notice im behind him until the wall opposite him is painted a nice blood-red. and annoyingly enough enemies seem to target you and ONLY you, no matter how many enemies there are at a given time! some parts had me cornered under a piano while 13 baddies were running up to…i dont know trade beauty tips while my partners would stand by giving each other make-overs.

It isn’t a OMG GREAT game but i would definitely recommend it to anyone wanting to kill time over a weekend or two. Dont expect anymore than about 7-8 hours of gameplay, and even that’s pushing it! But if you looking for 100% completion I guess that would give something more to do…because you obviously have nothing better to do with your life!

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