Since I need another week at least to grovel my way through a F.E.A.R. 2 review I thought I would spit out a mini review on some of my top iPhone games for the sake of wasting your time and mine, because no one really sits down and treats their mobile phone as an actual gaming platform. Well sure its got the same if not better graphics than a Nintendo DS but gaming wise, it’s just for the casual train commute to work while a homeless man pisses on your shoes.
That is, until I opened the app store and was exposed to the world of Apple Apps. And to their credit, the variety of games is absolutely remarkable! Anything from simple puzzles, to searching wares Wally style games, (including where s Wally) right down to actual First person Shooters such as Modern Warfare, N.O.V.A., and even dead space! Although controlling such games on limited screen size is like performing keyhole surgery with boxing gloves shut up it beats the mainstream of piss that clouded the old Nokia phones with crap retro 8-bit games that had you either punching something, eating something or chasing something!
The first little app to step off the iPhone platform to start the Apple parade is Angry Birds, an over glorified 3 little pigs game, where you have to blow down the 3 little pigs houses but instead of blowing it over you instead decideto be extra malicious to mother nature and hurl a bunch of legless defenseless birds at their home! But none of the other birds seem to mind instead they all line up and jump about as if their excited to be turned into a breakfast buffet at the Marriott. But it’s a pretty original game none the less, with different birds holding different abilities that will have you flying faster or separate into 3 for extra damage, or take a shit on the houses or whatever. The scoring system can go fuck itself though I have no clue what the fuck I have to do to get all 3 stars but im trying to get hold of GOD to find out how to do it! The pigs hide in houses that are apparently made of straw and stuck together with spit since they topple over so easily, and your job as the worlds biggest tosser is to fling your birds in such a way to ensure that you wipe out all of the pigs with limited amount of birds to kill. It is a little bit of fun but quickly becomes repetitive when playing for a while, so i would recommend it only for those short trips.
Next up is quite a fun well-rounded FPS called N.O.V.A. or Near Orbit Vanguard Alliance by Gamesloft that actually took me by surprise. It’s a Halo style FPS set on a future space ship. Usual games on any sort of mobile phone or portable platform have half the content cut down to the point where all that’s left is the pathetic plot line, but with N.O.V.A. that’s not the case! The weapons are vast and intuitive all can be upgraded, the levels are a bitrepetitive but there is a clear difficulty curve, all without cutting down on the graphics quality of the game! It even has an online multiplayer mode which is a massive thumbs up for an iPhone game! The controls do need getting used to though at first it feels like steering a cruise liner with a pea, but after clever practice you can upgrade the pea to a pen, at least there’s SOME leverage there. I lost count how many times the phone would slip out of my hands at the worst possible moment in gameplay!
injecting it into my blood stream. Doodle Jump was in the limelight for quite some time as one of Apple’s best sellers until Angry birds angrily stole the trophy. Doodle Jump is probably as simple as games get. You control a little, monster, alien, octopus thing and you tilt the iPhone side to side to steer him up a series of platforms. Some platforms move, some explode, and some disappear without warning. The aim of the game is simply just to get as high as possible without falling or hitting a monster on the way up, which you can shoot down. As painfully annoying as it is to get to what seems like the top of the world only to plummet back down again due to dodgy contractors and their shitty breaking platforms, you just want to play again and again. The scoring system is also quite clever, as you pass your old score you can actually see it as you hop your way up the ladder! It also shows the scores from other people all over the world which is even more the incentive to spend your whole day at work trying to get past them all!!
Since I am a CRITIC, for CRITICIZING games not praising them, I thought ill finish off with the stupidest of the stupid apps ever to win the stupid games! So hop of to claim the gold medal, Paper Toss. ANYONE, that wants to tell me that this game is addictive can go fuck themselves with hot end of a candle stick! You sit there, flinging bits of paper into a fucking bin! That’s all! Oh wit hang on there is one feature they added because they felt the game wasn’t annoying enough. A fucking fan!! To blow your piece of paper away from the bin! FUCK OFF are you serious?! And there’s a world leader board! WTF!? Are there plans for the world to come together for a world-wide flick off?! Anyone who finds this game thrilling please write in and explain to me in explicit detail how this game helps you in your day-to-day life! Oh wait WHAT LIFE!? HAH!