Ok I know it’s quite unusual for me to review an iPad game individually, you know iPad being a platform that does to games what a wood chipper does to my PENIS! OR SO I THAUGHT! YES using nothing but touch controls is like controlling a 1 legged jack Russel with a broom stick, and YES the iPad itself can’t handle the amount of graphical sex that my PS3 or alienware can but this game is FUCKING FANTASTIC I just HAD to review it! I loved it! (although it really is just a Modern Warfare ripoff but FUCK IT I like it!) For those of you who actually fucking read my blogs you may remember a while back I reviewed the iPhone and iPad as a platform itself and in it also reviewed a few popular titles. I also stated that the iPad/iPhone platform is probably the only platform that actually knows what the fuck VARIETY is, and doesnt just shovel the same tripe into our screaming faces. however, it also is a platform that MASSIVALLY rips off other games, and modern combat is figure A. I’m guessing modern warfare came out then GameLoft brought it, cloned it, and brainwashed it to say “infity ward? whose that?” to anyone that asked. But I must say, that for an iPad game, it is probably the most detailed and thought out game on the apple platform! Ok lets face it, calling a game great just because it’s NEARLY AS GOOD as a game on a real platform like the PS3 but c’mon look what other bullshit we have to compare it to! Angry birds? Jetpack Joyride?? Fucking Doodle Jump? those games a fun yes for the casual gamer! but FINALLY a game is now available that has pretty much all the features of modern warfare built right into your iPad! its like taking your PS3 around to work! The Campaign is not to long only about 5 to 6 hours but its the multiplayer that really got me! Theres so many different types of games I lost count, from manhunt, to Demolition right down to territory! You gain XP just like you do in Modern Warfare, and also gain only that can be used to purchase upgrades for guns, mines, and other shit that goes boom. I know all you COD fan boys out there are probably yelling at the screen saying “JUST GET COD” but fuckheads, this is portable!!! It just surprised the fuck out of me how good they actually did it! all I can really say about it is that, its exactly like COD! if you want COD but are always on the road or at work, then buy an iPad and download Modern Combat 3!! it’s a massive file for an iPad, about 1.3 GB but worth every cent.
Yes i know we are all very excited about this release! Battlefield 3 is said to be really pushing the benchmark in terms of spectacular graphics and even better physics engine. Using the state of the art Frostbite engine and updated destructo-scenery (yay for me) Battlefield 3 is said to get at least 60 FPS on a decent machine. (Crysis only got 43)
So what kind of specs do you need? Lets put it this way. My Alienware is probably going to throw up when things get to difficult.
Heres a guide:
- OS: Windows Vista or Windows 7
- Processor: Core 2 Duo 2.4 GHz or Althon X2 2.7 GHz) Although Quad core intel will be the better choice)
- RAM: 2GB…..fuck that for fo 4GB or above!
- Graphic card: DirectX 10 or 11 compatible Nvidia or AMD ATI card, ATI Radeon 3870 or higher, Nvidia GeForce 8800 GT or higher. Preferably the GTX 560 series of nVidia
- Graphics card memory: 1GB MB
- Sound card: DirectX compatible sound card
- Hard drive: 15 GB for disc version or 10 GB for digital version
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section beloowwww!
Stuck in the 9 till 5 rutt? Boss on your ass? Literally? That would be creepy and if that’s the case then you should call the police or work safe BUT until then pass the time with a few tips and tricks from GameThief to at least try to pass the time. apart from using lube and condoms here are 5 things to do if your boss isn’t looking.
First up on the paddy waggon is a great range of Desk top Toys available at freewarefiles.com, under the ‘desktop toys’. These are actually quite fun if you have nothing better to do, then again what isn’t better than work! The range of things you can cram onto your desktop these days is amazing. Anything from virtual pets, Binary Animals and even a remote control plane you can actually fly around your desktop! (Skycar 3D desktop toy) They work just like animated icons, and are used on top of any application, until you turn it off! So if your boss is behind you, simply press a button and it all goes away! On of my favourites is ’12 Ants’, which turns your desktop into an ant farm! But better yet you can freak the hell out of your work mates because from a distance, it actually looks as if there are ants crawling all over your screen! This is just for novelty laughs but does the trick nevertheless!
Call me old-fashioned, but back in highschool there was one website that I always loved, which also always got me kicked out of the school library for budging, but who cares so worth it! Miniclip was one of my absolute favourite sites for quick and easy games that you play right in your browser. Theres literally thousands of games available so whether your into action, puzzle games, point and click games, strategy, or anything in between Miniclip has it! I’m pretty sure theres a game that lets you take out all your frustration on Osama bin Larden, which I find quite bizarre but who cares either that or bash your boss instead and get fired your call!! For those wondering what to look for, it’s called ‘osamagochi’. Yes…very humouress.
Need a laugh!! you would have definitely heard of Failblog!! Most likley because you’ve been the feature fail on it for the past 3 years I dunno….I know I have! It have EVERYTHING to put a smile on your face, from FailTV, full of hilarious videos; FailBook, for ridiculously stupid and bizzare facebook posts and photos, and of cause the main page which has a mix of everything. Theres even a segment that features work related fails, called 9 till 5! The entire site is pretty much videos of stupid people, or photos of stupid people, or a video of someone taking a photo of a stupid person….either way it’ll pass at least 30 seconds of work time while you wait for you browser to load…or until your boss catches you, you know which ever comes first!
And finally, ive left the best till last!! the no. one thing you can do to pass time apart from getting drunk or touching yourself! the no. 1 work time drainer is…..GAMETHIEF!!! hah hah hah that’s right come on if you have a spare bored second log onto gamethief.wordpress.com and have a look at the latest in news and technology. I update this thing like, every 40 minutes honestly i have no life!! like no life!! so give it a go!!
Like always if you have a game or something you want me to review before you buy, leave me comment!!
Now bear with me my fellow readers, it took me quite a long time to type out this blog, since my hands couldn’t stop shaking and i kept retreating to the near dark corner to cry uncontrollably while I imagine a wobbly mutant thing tearing off my testicles. In other words, this game scared me. I’m scared. Amnesia: The Dark Decent is honestly the most unnerving gaming experience I have ever had. despite that the game was actually quite good, I couldn’t get to the end because i was that terrified i forced myself to stop playing before I shook myself to death! See I’m one of those people who absolutely love horror games and movies but when it comes to actually playing one I chicken out, and try to combat my brain to force it to finish! Like a bulimic forcing themselves to win a pie eating contest!
You play as Daniel, a man with a mission to hunt down and stop an evil sadistic madman from the past…I think. You, unfortunately have been stricken by amnesia, (hence the title) and have to walk around a massive dark gloomy castle with only a candle and some mentos to help you! What I like about the gameplay is the fact that there’s no HUD, health bar, stupid combat hands that cover half the screen, it’s just the wilderness of the castle and that’s it!
What makes this game so scary is its pacing. It takes you at least 40 Minutes of game play before you even BLINK at a monster, and even then he stands 30 meters away covered in dust and smoke! Nevertheless I still found myself ducking and hiding for cover. And you can only look at an enemy for so long before you ‘sanity’ begins to drop. Sanity is what keeps you sane believe it or not, and it is depleted from witnessing unsettling events, looking at a scary mutant or funny enough, staying the in dark too long. But the dark is the only way you can hide from monsters, it’s up to you whether you choose to hide in the dark and go insane, or be killed and served and the monster ball buffet. The screen has this blurred, warped effect each time something happens which is absolutely gold in drawing the player into a particular scenario. You also have nothing to defend yourself. No guns, knives, fire or anything else can be used against your enemy so your only option is to either hide, or slam a door in the mutants face and hope it wont break through it.
The game does take a while to get started though, having you walk around aimlessly down corridors, or dungeons, but my take on that is that its there to build up tension and draw the player in before scaring the living shit out of you. this is the kind of game where ANY LITTLE MOVEMENT at all will frighten you. ANYTHING! I wont say too much about the game since its far more effective if you are ignorant about it, for example i brought this game thinking it was the PC equivalent of Limbo, a game i only NOW understand to be an Xbox Live Arcade exclusive. So when i sat down and started playing it, only to find it worked better as a laxative the fear was so much more…..well frightning! It even prompts you that its better to play the game in darkness with the sound turned up.
If you’re looking for a genuinely horrifying, thrilling and scary game experience then look no further. Amnesia will have you shitting bricks right up until the end. But if your looking for a game TRYING to be horrifying and scary but instead serves you 40 million tonnes of meat with faces painted on them, dancing around in brightly lit rooms, then I guess you can try Dead Space.
When I see FEAR written in all capitals on the front of a game box I expect the game to be just a little more intimidating then the soft fur on a kitty cat. But in this case Monolith Productions went above and beyond to ensure that the word FEAR will invoke as much fear as an elderly man behind the wheel, which is a talent in its self! But now theres FEAR 2, upgraded with 3 times as much kitty fur to snuggle up to if the game feels its becoming to scary. Wouldnt want an action horror to actually have some aspects of horror in it now would we Monolith Productions?
FEAR , or First Encounter Assult Reacon….2 is actually a First person shooter with horror elements. Only Monolith Productions misunderstood Horror for porn, because the only parts in the game that are even remotly scary involve a naked girl standing at the end of a long corridoor switching the lights on and off, and occasionally leaping into your arms trying to rape you.
You play as Becket, a delta marine out to stop some ghost bitch, Alma, from compleatly replacing reality with her idea of the Fiji isands, compleate with breakfast buffet and pool side bar, except the buffet is full of cockroaces and rats and the poolside bar is death. Apparently alma sees somthing sexy about your scrauny ass because from the second you arrive on the scene she begins transmitting horrific visions of your team dead, or an eerie grass field with a tyre swing or i dunno. they are all probly her idea of love letters, because the game is honestly as thrilling as reading a boring all love letter from your grandma.
As I always say, every game has to have at least 1 unique feature that makes it worth getting, or at least SHOULD make it worth getting. With FEAR I honestly can’t pick out what is unique about it. Unless you decide to count in being abnormally annoying at some parts. For example there are these BONE BREAKING annoying ghost slash deamon slash CUNT things you come across that ate specifically designed to get on your tits. They run around uncontrollably screaming at every 4 second interval, and with each yell horribly distort the screen and raise any dead Conrad around him, in turn creating a super team of deamon retards! And they just do not fucking die! At any given time I would unleash an entire truck load of shot gun shells into it’s head and they would still run around gayly crying out Christmas carols!
I will have to admit at some stage the not all the design choices in the game are bad. One brief but interesting moment of gameplay had you running frantically away from….I don’t know what down a narrow hallway while the lights switch on and off like a lightning storm making it close to impossible to see where you were going. To the games credit it was actually quite good at drawing you in, and actually becMe quite unnerving. But before you actually start having fun the game whips out a warm blankie and a pacifier, with more pornography.
It’s not a bad game but I didn’t manage it to the end. I definitely would not recommend it to hardcore horror fans, there is amnesia for that! I would first recommend this game to an old single man with no knowledge of Internet porn who has lonely weekend after Lonely weekend to fill!
Since I need another week at least to grovel my way through a F.E.A.R. 2 review I thought I would spit out a mini review on some of my top iPhone games for the sake of wasting your time and mine, because no one really sits down and treats their mobile phone as an actual gaming platform. Well sure its got the same if not better graphics than a Nintendo DS but gaming wise, it’s just for the casual train commute to work while a homeless man pisses on your shoes.
That is, until I opened the app store and was exposed to the world of Apple Apps. And to their credit, the variety of games is absolutely remarkable! Anything from simple puzzles, to searching wares Wally style games, (including where s Wally) right down to actual First person Shooters such as Modern Warfare, N.O.V.A., and even dead space! Although controlling such games on limited screen size is like performing keyhole surgery with boxing gloves shut up it beats the mainstream of piss that clouded the old Nokia phones with crap retro 8-bit games that had you either punching something, eating something or chasing something!
The first little app to step off the iPhone platform to start the Apple parade is Angry Birds, an over glorified 3 little pigs game, where you have to blow down the 3 little pigs houses but instead of blowing it over you instead decideto be extra malicious to mother nature and hurl a bunch of legless defenseless birds at their home! But none of the other birds seem to mind instead they all line up and jump about as if their excited to be turned into a breakfast buffet at the Marriott. But it’s a pretty original game none the less, with different birds holding different abilities that will have you flying faster or separate into 3 for extra damage, or take a shit on the houses or whatever. The scoring system can go fuck itself though I have no clue what the fuck I have to do to get all 3 stars but im trying to get hold of GOD to find out how to do it! The pigs hide in houses that are apparently made of straw and stuck together with spit since they topple over so easily, and your job as the worlds biggest tosser is to fling your birds in such a way to ensure that you wipe out all of the pigs with limited amount of birds to kill. It is a little bit of fun but quickly becomes repetitive when playing for a while, so i would recommend it only for those short trips.
Next up is quite a fun well-rounded FPS called N.O.V.A. or Near Orbit Vanguard Alliance by Gamesloft that actually took me by surprise. It’s a Halo style FPS set on a future space ship. Usual games on any sort of mobile phone or portable platform have half the content cut down to the point where all that’s left is the pathetic plot line, but with N.O.V.A. that’s not the case! The weapons are vast and intuitive all can be upgraded, the levels are a bitrepetitive but there is a clear difficulty curve, all without cutting down on the graphics quality of the game! It even has an online multiplayer mode which is a massive thumbs up for an iPhone game! The controls do need getting used to though at first it feels like steering a cruise liner with a pea, but after clever practice you can upgrade the pea to a pen, at least there’s SOME leverage there. I lost count how many times the phone would slip out of my hands at the worst possible moment in gameplay!
injecting it into my blood stream. Doodle Jump was in the limelight for quite some time as one of Apple’s best sellers until Angry birds angrily stole the trophy. Doodle Jump is probably as simple as games get. You control a little, monster, alien, octopus thing and you tilt the iPhone side to side to steer him up a series of platforms. Some platforms move, some explode, and some disappear without warning. The aim of the game is simply just to get as high as possible without falling or hitting a monster on the way up, which you can shoot down. As painfully annoying as it is to get to what seems like the top of the world only to plummet back down again due to dodgy contractors and their shitty breaking platforms, you just want to play again and again. The scoring system is also quite clever, as you pass your old score you can actually see it as you hop your way up the ladder! It also shows the scores from other people all over the world which is even more the incentive to spend your whole day at work trying to get past them all!!
Since I am a CRITIC, for CRITICIZING games not praising them, I thought ill finish off with the stupidest of the stupid apps ever to win the stupid games! So hop of to claim the gold medal, Paper Toss. ANYONE, that wants to tell me that this game is addictive can go fuck themselves with hot end of a candle stick! You sit there, flinging bits of paper into a fucking bin! That’s all! Oh wit hang on there is one feature they added because they felt the game wasn’t annoying enough. A fucking fan!! To blow your piece of paper away from the bin! FUCK OFF are you serious?! And there’s a world leader board! WTF!? Are there plans for the world to come together for a world-wide flick off?! Anyone who finds this game thrilling please write in and explain to me in explicit detail how this game helps you in your day-to-day life! Oh wait WHAT LIFE!? HAH!
I’m yet to find a FPS that lets me at least FEEL like im having a bit of adventure! A trip to the fridge is at least some form of adventure, even if it is just a quest to consume the left over Mongolian beef from 2 weeks ago. At least you walk away from the fridge with SOMETHING regardless if it is a satisfying feed or irritable bowl syndrome! Walking into a massive open field full of run down houses, massive jungles and mountains only to be shoved behind a chest high wall the entire time is not my idea of cock pulsing action adventure! It’s like going to a 5 star hotel, being offered the presidential penthouse, but it’s so overrun with rats and cockroaches so you spend the whole trip hiding in the closet with a fly swatter! It’s an insult to whoever designs the world map! Current day FPS’s are as linear as the pole up my maths teachers ass! And you only ever get to admire the wonderful scenery for a brief second before your own team mortars your ass through the ground, THANK YOU BAD COMPANY 2, who shall remain nameless…
HURRAY for Epic games, and to some extent, People can Fly, whose previous title, (the only one I actually know of anyway) Painkiller, said FUCK YOU cover based bullshit and HELLOOooooo to running into an open room jam-packed with a mutant monster buffet. Bulletstorm in my opinion is a little bit of both. to me it was just like a standard FPS but actually loosened the dog chain and let you do shit without being interrupted every quarter of a second to sit and watch some plot line puppy piddle. Theres no briefings before each mission and minimal cut scenes which you can skip anyway, unlike Black ops, whose ridiculously boring interactive un-skippable cut scene that had you sitting on your ass while listening to some toss pot talk about god knows what while you trucked your way to the next playable mission.
Bulletstorm manages FPS and Action/adventure quite nicely. There’s none of that typical war-torn house duck and cover while a mortar blows through your cover crap, or any of those 4 hour-long mission briefings, or listening you your war partner go on and on calmly talking about his entire life story while directly in the line of fire….uh…horse raddish. NO! It’s just FUN without the filler! It’s nice to see a game that is still in touch with its adventurous roots! It’s still a typical linear scene to scene go here shoot this, but it doesnt feel linear, it actually feels like a massive adventure game for kids, with the occasional swear dropped in to raise it from PG to MA15+. I guess what im trying to say its a bit on the easy side….but FUCK IT its fun! YES it does have cover based combat, maybe a lot of it but it still isn’t a typical cockroach riddled mansion at the top of Beverly hills. Its more of a jungle cabin where occasionally a homosexual couple hump on your door step, without trying to drop any hints about the characters personal lifestyle HINT HINT COUGH COUGH!
You play as Gray a hard buff arrogant alpha male, to defend some run down city which has no explanation to the plot what so ever, from a group of mutant freaks called, ‘The Freaks’ using your leash type device called ‘The Leash’ (who the fuck names these things i have no idea) with homosexual tendencies toward his half man half robot companion, Ishi. No joke the whole game hints are dropped and it got to a point where I literally stood up,and screamed JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH at my computer screen, after Gray drops the ‘2 men alone in an elevator’ line right after deploying the word ‘Dick’ for about the 23 gazilionth time that hour. Its like the writers had a dick quota they had to meet, because if the character isnt gay, the writers are! At some points i have no idea whether the characters are joking or not! Like the elevator for example, was like the characters seriously considered porking each other right then and there! and there’s also your little female companion that trots along half way through the game in a tight tank top with the all aspiration to be a man in the free world, which I don’t know if she’s meant to be a comic relief character or just there to stretch out gameplay for another hour.
Ill say one thing, it is refreshing to have a FPS that allows you to use other surroundings then an explosive barrel to kill your enemies. The game congratulates you for SkillShots, which are ways of killing your enemies to spill as much blood as possible in the most horrible and hilarious ways possible, by kicking them into spiky walls, flames, open fan blades and off cliffs! And the leash which I mentioned earlier makes it all the better. you can use it to grapple onto enemies and pull them towards you before kicking them away into a spiky chandelier. You work through skillshots based in the skillshot database, which apparently was used to grade ex soldiers on their performance on the battle field. But you also get points for breaking news bots, smashing windows and bizarrely enough, getting drunk, which can then be exchanged for weapons and upgrades using dropkits that you find every nano seconds.
What I definitely was NOT expecting in Bulletstorm was a sence of humour! your character is the typical smart ass wise cracking drunk, but was actually funny and well-fitting. for example there was one part where your transvestite wanna be female friend said she would give you 15 seconds to figure a way out of a particular area, to which the game actually gives you a 15 second timer, and changes the script accordingly to whether or not you figure it out or not. this was the absolute icing on the cake for me! I went in expecting characters as warm as a cold glass of prune juice, but you can actually build up some sort of relationship with your character.
The A.I. is as thick as pig shit though, because I guess they were determined to keep at least 1 thing the same as typical FPS’s. there were some parts where I would be close enough to an enemy to rub his balls with he tip of my shot-gun, but still wouldn’t notice im behind him until the wall opposite him is painted a nice blood-red. and annoyingly enough enemies seem to target you and ONLY you, no matter how many enemies there are at a given time! some parts had me cornered under a piano while 13 baddies were running up to…i dont know trade beauty tips while my partners would stand by giving each other make-overs.
It isn’t a OMG GREAT game but i would definitely recommend it to anyone wanting to kill time over a weekend or two. Dont expect anymore than about 7-8 hours of gameplay, and even that’s pushing it! But if you looking for 100% completion I guess that would give something more to do…because you obviously have nothing better to do with your life!